Melancholy

I really want to get out of this country. At this point it's more about money than ability. The government doesn't want me, but they can't force me to leave. My housing lease, worth 5Gs is under her name. Since I'm technically still married, I can do things in her name, so getting my money back is no problem, it's how much money I get back. When every cent counts, a loss of a couple hundred dollars hurts. Haven't been able to pay my rent for 2 months because of all the bullshit that's happened. My fault, my loss. Now I have to make up for it. I've had to borrow as well, so I'm about 3Gs in the hole. It's a tolerable amount, but it's still a headache. If my new roommate can buy out my lease, it makes it easy and everybody's happy. The landlord has a tenant without having to spend hundreds on a realtor and renovations, my roommate has a cool place to live in a cool part of town, and I get my money and the fuck out of here.

This alone is not the reason for my melancholy. A lot of this involves a lot of waiting. Waiting for letters, waiting for translations, waiting for court dates and judgments. If I can gather all my loot before hand, the government has told me they won't/don't want to stop me from leaving if I happen to miss all my court dates and fine payments. I can never come back to Korea, but I don't give a shit. Everybody I know is a foreigner. They'll all leave eventually and I'm sure I'll meet the good friends I've met here again, somewhere else in the world, and that will be way too cool. I'm sure I'll meet people I've never met except on-line in different places in the world, and as sure as shit is dirty, it won't be in Korea. Waiting for money and government is boring. I spend a lot of time watching tv and drinking. I guess I do far more than that, since I write, do stand-up, and paint, as well as the duties that pay me an income like design and editing, but for the most part, I do fuck all except sit around my house a lot. Too much time spent like this makes one depressed. Proven fact, it's true. Even though there's really nothing wrong.

The third thing, is this weekend. It's the St. Paddy's Day weekend. The one day of the year we'll all trot out every Irish stereotype we can think of and get really drunk. Can you image if white people celebrated Black history Day like this (I heard that from a blogger I follow on facebook... or maybe it was twitter...)? It's also my daughter's (15th) birthday the next day, so inevitably, I call her on her actual birthday after tossing back a few year after year. No different this year, but I actually remember the conversation, so I was more sober than usual.

I miss my daughter a lot. She's now turned into a young woman. A 15 year old teenager. I was a 15 year old teenager once, it wasn't good. If you think I'm bad now, imagine when I thought I was always right and invincible... wait a sec... Anyway, My daughter is growing up on skype, facebook and twitter or at least that's how I interact with her. I can't leave the country even if I wanted at this point, and I'm stress out because of money or lack of. Maybe I'll do some stand-up on Wednesday, or maybe just watch and laugh. I could use a good laugh. Melancholy.